


It could have been us

by SlytherinsInSpace



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Confessions, Feels, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, He just doen't know how to talk, James Potter has the emotional range of all of England, Light Angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Stupidity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 10:56:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13480044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherinsInSpace/pseuds/SlytherinsInSpace
Summary: James wasn't really avoiding his family- well- Okay maybe he was; but mostly he was avoiding the fact that he was in love with his best friend. Who was dating his cousin- and he did not have the emotional capacity to deal with all that.





	1. Chapter 1

It wasn’t that James was ignoring his family per say- more that he was ignoring certain conversations about his life, and his life decisions that usually accompanied visiting his parents’ house. He had nothing against them- or his siblings. 

Regardless of what his mother said in her letters- he really was really busy with work. Maybe not as busy as he tried to indicate- but busy enough. 

So- when Albus showed up on his doorstep that night grinning with a bottle of firewhiskey and an admission that he had phoned James’ boss to ask when he would be off again- he couldn’t help but feel guilty for staying away so long. 

The problem was- Al had absolutely no ability to keep his mouth shut about anything James told him. There had been that one time in his fifth year that he casually mentioned to him that he was seeing someone, and their mum had sent him a howler inviting his mystery girlfriend to tea over their next break. 

She had dumped him the next day. 

And then there was the time his sixth year he had mentioned he might not just fancy girls- that blokes weren’t half bad either; and his father had sent him a letter not two days later awkwardly explaining that they would of course still love him- but perhaps he should talk to his great uncle Charlie about all of that business because if he was being frank he didn’t really know how to have the gay sex talk. 

James had blushed deep red every time he thought about if for nearly a year- he had sent Charlie a letter his seventh year when he actually needed advice on what to do with boys you might be honestly interested in having- relations- with. So at least he got that out of it. 

So, when Al was standing there with a bottle of liquor he knew would make him spill his guts like a bucket of viritisirum- he knew anything he said would float back to his mother’s ears within an hour of letting Albus go. 

It wasn’t his fault really- he was just terrible at keeping secrets. They ate the kid up inside until he wanted to explode- not that keeping things from his mother was an easy task either- Ginny Potter did not take no for an answer. 

“Seriously Al; I’m good.” He had laughed sliding the shot back across the table to where his brother sat with the half empty bottle—looking utterly pissed. “I have to work in the morning.” 

Which wasn’t completely untrue- but it just wasn’t exactly the reason he had been abstaining from the vice as of late. 

“how’s- er- what’s her name?” Albus inquired

And it was everything James could do not to snort at him; “Bethany?” he asked, “I assume she’s well; though I haven’t spoken to her since I broke up with her- little over a year ago now.” 

He laughed as Al downed the next shot and proceeded to throw himself onto the table. “I am going to hate myself in the morning.” He mumbled against the oak. 

“you always do.” He replied. 

“usually you’re there to hate yourself with me though.” He whined back. 

“It’s called growing up Al.”

Albus lifted his head to scowl at him, “abandoning your family and not speaking to them for months is what adults do now yeah? How come Teddy has managed to make it to almost every Sunday dinner for the past year then- and you couldn’t even make it to one?” 

James buried his head in his hand- this was exactly where he had hoped this conversation wasn’t going to go. 

Because if he must know- that was exactly why James couldn’t make it to a single one of those dinners- because Teddy would be there- with his stupid face and his jokes and his girlfriend. Despite what everyone seemed to think- he did want to be there. 

But one could get really sick of watching the boy you’ve been hopelessly in love with for the past- well quite a few years- lock lips with your cousin at your dinner table- all the while pretending you aren’t completely dying inside. 

it wasn’t exactly his idea of a great time- he had tried; for a while to just- ignore all the problems going on around him. He tried ignoring the way his heart jumped in his throat when teddy talked to him- or the way his smile made It pound against his ribcage. He tried to ignore the way his smile wore wider on his face when Teddy sought him out of the crowd and they spent the whole night just talking in some corner about anything- and everything. Playing chess and talking about the books they had read lately or how James was doing in school or Teddy was doing at the muggle university he had decided to attend. 

But it wasn’t as easy as it sounded- especially not when his face flushed red whenever Teddy touched him on the arm- or his ability to speak upped and ran away if he so much as gave him a hug- it wasn’t an easy thing to hide- and he was a terrible fucking person. 

Because Vic was wonderful- and Teddy was great, and they deserved to be happy and they deserved to be happy without James running around with his damn feelings leaking all over the place because- it was ruining things. Because he couldn’t fucking control himself. 

He tried not to think about it- the way Teddy’s lips felt pressed hard against his that night- strong and intoxicating and so fucking- wrong. But it had been a while- a long while and he couldn’t get the image- the feeling out of his head and he thought if he had to see him now after all this time- smiling and laughing and holding hands with anyone that wasn’t him that he would explode. 

It wasn’t Teddy’s fault- James had ambushed him that night out by the shed- they had been talking and laughing and Ted had just looked so fucking beautiful- and he had just- done it. 

And the second he did it he realized he had fucked it all up- that there was no going back from this moment and he had run away before Teddy had a chance to let him down nicely- because he already knew. He already knew he was a terrible, awful person who forces himself on his cousin’s boyfriend and makes his best friend in the world uncomfortable- and he already hated himself so there was no way they didn’t hate him too. 

He had thought about Albus- and Lily- he really had; all the time actually- he had thought about his mom; and dad and how what he was doing right now was in no way fair to any of them. Especially since they had no idea why he was avoiding them and that no matter what he did- he was being an enormous ass. 

But- even that hadn’t been enough to make him go back. 

He had altered his wards- it wouldn’t allow any of them into his house without his express permission- it wouldn’t allow anyone into his house. 

It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried to get over it all- because he had fucking tried- okay? He had thrown himself at bloke after bloke trying to forget the fire that burned in his stomach that night with teddy. But it was never the same- never enough- It never drowned out the need he had to be back in those arms and he fucking hated himself for it. 

He tried to convince himself- for hours- that he could go back. That it would all be okay- and he had almost done it- honestly, he was ready to go- and then he had gone to diagon ally to get his mother a present. 

An -I’m sorry I’ve been such a prick and I’ll stop avoiding you and my problems thank you for still wanting me to be around- present. When he had run into teddy in the shop. 

He had looked tired- haggard. Like he wasn’t getting enough sleep and all James wanted to do was take care of him but that wasn’t his fucking job; and Teddy had a girlfriend for that. 

And he ran away before Teddy could say anything. 

Because apparently that’s what he did now- some fucking Gryffindor he was. 

That had been almost three months ago now- and he was aware of how damn pathetic he was being- but he couldn’t stop hiding out in his apartment- eating single servings of takeaway from his favorite Chinese food place and trying not to cry into his noodles. 

He didn’t need Al here to tell him he was a fucking loser because he already knew. 

He sighed- “I don’t speak for Teddy- or anyone else for that matter. But I’ve been hard pressed to get a day off in months and when I do; I usually spend it cleaning the house or volunteering down at the clinic.” 

He had long since finished school to become a healer- and had been working very closely with Puddlemere United as their on-staff healer. It was true it didn’t leave him much time to do anything but tour with the team- or fix their wounds from practice- but he could have made time- if he wasn’t trying so desperately not to. 

Al knew that. 

He scowled back at him. 

“I don’t know what you’re avoiding Jamie- but I miss you- we all miss you.” He hummed against the bottle. “come home for Christmas, or mum is going to come over here herself and hex you into oblivion.” 

He nodded back knowing this day had been a long time coming and it was just something he was going to have to do- it could have been worse than Christmas- at least there were a lot of cousins and uncles and aunts there – he could fly under the radar- throw himself into conversations with Molly and Rosie and ignore teddy completely. 

There had even been that time a couple years back when they had gone to France instead of coming to the burrow- he could hope that would be the case again. Though he knew with his luck it wouldn’t be.


	2. Chapter 2

Going back home one year later felt like hell- honestly felt like the living embodiment of hell because he had missed it so much. And when he walked in the door it was like he had never left- like he hadn’t spent these last 12 months hiding out- and pushing people away because they were all so nice. And he really didn’t deserve that- in the least. 

He was expecting someone to hit him- and tell him what an ass he had been. Instead he got hugs- and people saying they hoped he was doing well- he looked good- his team bad been flying better lately. 

Asking after Oliver wood- the teams longest running keeper. 

How was he? How were his kids? His wife? Did he still take 8-hour showers and cry when they lost a game? 

He had laughed at all of those- making his way comfortably around the rooms of the home he had grown up in. he didn’t realize how much he had needed to be here until he had deprived himself of it for so long. 

His plan had been to pop in- fake a quidditch related emergency- and pop back out. But he sat on the sofa that he and Lily used to curl up reading novels on- and stared out at the room full of people who just accepted him back like he had done nothing wrong and he couldn’t make himself leave just yet. 

He got pulled into a conversation with his uncle Charlie about dragons- and how even the most ferocious beasts all have a weak spot for something- and if he said he didn’t relate to that on a spiritual level he would be lying through his damn teeth. 

It wasn’t until Charlie got up to refill his egg nog cup that he saw her. 

Vic- and in her arms, was a tiny- tiny beautiful baby.

And no wonder Teddy had looked so fucking tired- he was a new dad. 

The thought itself was enough to make him puke. 

He had run outside as quickly as his legs could take him and heaved the contents of his stomach into the bushes. 

He shouldn’t have let himself come here- he shouldn’t have let himself think it would all be okay. He was just going to keep breaking his own heart over and over and over again because he didn’t know how to stop himself, but he hated himself. 

He hated himself for loving teddy. 

He hated himself for not being able to fucking stop- 

“Jamie- “ 

Fucking- why. 

Of all the god damn people in the fucking world that could have shown up right now it had to be Teddy- it just had to be didn’t it?

“leave me alone- “he spat- trying to will the acrid taste of vomit from his mouth with sheer willpower. Leave it to him to leave his wand sitting on the table inside- there was no apperating away right now—he was fucking stuck here. Unless he wanted to walk inside past all of his family- past that child that had done absolutely nothing wrong to him- but he still wanted to glare at with all his might- to get it. 

“Jamie- just...” Teddy started but James cut him off. 

“I don’t want to hear it Teddy- I can’t hear any of it okay?” he never turned his attention away from the side of the building- because just hearing his voice was hard enough but he knew if he looked at him- they would be back at square one. With James wanting to throw himself at Teddy and Teddy being hopelessly uninterested- and unavailable. 

“James Sirus Potter- for fucks sake just look at me!” he yelled- 

But he couldn’t- because he didn’t fucking trust himself- not a single bit. 

“just leave me alone.” He whispered- practically begging at this point. 

“I can’t do that.” Teddy replied- and James could hear the crunch of footsteps against the snow and he knew Teddy was getting closer to him- and he just wanted him to stop making this harder on both of them. 

“please.” He choked out-

“I miss you.” Teddy said- softly; and so close to his ear it made him shiver. He grabbed James by the elbow willing him to turn around and all his will broke down with a single touch-

His hair was longer than it had been- curly and disheveled- shock turquoise hanging around his eyes- his eyes that contrasted so well against the rest of his skin- such a deep brown they were almost black- and he felt like he could lose himself in them If he gave himself a chance. 

Thought maybe he had already lost himself in them and all of this was just a long process of him trying to get back out. 

He didn’t say anything- because anything he could say right now he would hate himself for the moment he said it. 

He didn’t say- I miss you too. 

Or I love you. 

Or I’m sorry. 

He just stood there- staring into Teddy’s eyes hoping he would be able to tear himself away any second now. 

“I just want my best friend back- and I understand- you know if you don’t want the same things I want but I need you to fucking talk to me Jamie because I’m losing my mind without you in my life.” 

James shook his head lightly from side to side- “it’s- too painful.” He finally spoke; “I can’t handle being near you- and not being with you it- I- “he pulled his arm away from Teddy’s and it reminded him so much of when they had done something so similar the year before. 

Teddy stared at him- eyebrows furrowed into an angry frown. 

“listen- I’ve got to go- I thought I could do this but I am clearly very wrong- give Vic my best- yeah?” because after all this time all he really wanted was for Teddy to be happy even if it tore his insides apart- and broke him into a million pieces all he wanted was for him to be happy. 

“no.” Teddy replied- hand flying out and wrapping itself around James’ wrist. “just- wait- you; you can’t say that and then run away; you can’t just keep running away from me.” 

James wanted to pull his arm back- to do exactly what Teddy was telling him he couldn’t do but- there was something in his face that gave him hope- hope he shouldn’t allow himself to have that maybe this time things would be different. 

He hated himself for thinking that. 

“you- want to be with me?” teddy stammered after a minute 

“rub it in why don’t you Ted.” He started to pull his arm back- because he wasn’t here to be ridiculed thank you very much. 

“I fucking love you- “Teddy exclaimed

And- that was not what he had expected at all- and then Teddy was -so- close to him and his back was pressed against the wall- and they were breathing in the same air- he could see every individual freckle on the older boy’s face and his heart would – not- stop pounding.

“you- I- “teddy started before dropping his lips to meet James’ own an for the first time in what felt like a million years James didn’t feel guilty- or angry- or scared- he just felt right. 

They stayed like that for a while- alternating between searing kisses- and the starts of attempted confessions interrupted by the need to continue kissing one another- finally it was all just a bit too much for James-

“Teddy- you’ve got to- “he was interrupted by teddy’s mouth on his own again- “stop- you’ve got to stop” he finally forced out pushing him away slightly. 

“I- yeah- “Teddy looked back at him- face flushed and hair looking utterly wreaked. 

There it was again- the guilt- filling up James’ stomach and making him feel like he was going to throw up again. 

“no – no; not again we aren’t doing this again Jamie” Teddy rushed to wrap his arms around him once again- which only served to make it worse- because he had a fucking kid. 

Right on the other side of this wall his god damn girlfriend was sitting with their child on his lap and he was out here playing tonsil hockey with James for god knows what reason and he was a fucking mess. 

“I’m not letting you run away from me again- “teddy soothed.

“So, what? You’re just going to abandon your family to be with me? Or better yet you’re thinking you don’t have to and you could just do both?” James all but yelled at him- trying to push him away but teddy was stronger than he looked. 

“I don’t- what are you.” Teddy pulled back to look James in his eyes- “is that what all of this is about? You’re upset about Vic?” 

James nodded.

“we haven’t been together since last year- I thought you knew- when you- when we- fuck Jamie we’re a mess.” He laughed- 

And it hit James all at one that this was all some stupid mistake- all of this avoiding and not talking and distancing himself he had been doing was fucking dumb and he could have been kissing Teddy for the past year instead of sitting alone in his apartment and he didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or cry.

“so- just to be clear. That is not your baby.” James half asked- not wanting any more confusion if they could avoid it.

“no.” 

“And you haven’t been seeing Vic in over a year now?”

“nope.” 

“and you- love me.” 

“more than anything” Teddy replied-

And James wanted to laugh- and cry- and fuck he wanted to do a million different things but for right now he was just going to stand here and enjoy the fact that he had everything he had ever wanted- I and it wasn’t going anywhere any time soon. 

It didn’t fix everything- he still had a boat load of apologies to give out for everything he had done in the past year- and he was sure there was a ton of groveling to do before his mother would truly forgive him. 

But he was done avoiding his problems- and he was going to face them all with Teddy by his side- and that- was pretty magical.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry that got a bit angsty there for a bit but hopefully you enjoyed it :) let me know.


End file.
